Women, and needs...

What I've discovered over the last two years of dating is that I seem to be a professional "rebound" guy. Women break up with the guy who treats them like crap, find me online, hang out with me for a month or two, then go back or find another guy who treats them like crap.

Now, this isn't really a "bitter" rant (and doesn't include my friend the "Bitter Chick"). One thing I realize now is that most people want to feel needed. Therefore, they tend to gravitate toward people they feel they can "help" or "fix". If you're with someone who has everything under control, they're pretty complete, they don't need much. Or, if you're with someone who is agressively self-sufficient (waving hand), they not only don't need much but they almost resent the implication that they do.

Sigh...

In my two marriages, I have gone from one extreme to the other. My first wife was much like me, very self-sufficient and independent, and after a while we didn't need each other -- and any tension was going to break us up. Not to say that the problem was small, it was a disagreement on where we were going to live, but had we "needed" each other more, we would have worked it out.

My second wife was like anti-matter to the first. It's a good thing they never met, because the universe might have imploded. The relationship was much more intense, due to the differences between us. She required both to need intensely and to be needed intensely, and I was unable to give her either. Not saying either of us were right or wrong, it was just an unfortunate confluence of personalities.

A word of caution -- yin and yang, while very interesting, doesn't always make for the best relationship. We have become friends again, which is a good thing both for us and for our daughter. We both realize that we should never have married, and I know that on my part (and I hope on hers), I've gone beyond blaming either of us.

So now I'm at the point where I warn any woman I date that I'm not a very good candidate for a "relationship". I'm a good friend, if you call at 3AM because your car's broken down, I'll come get you, I'm fun to hang out with and talk with, great in bed, but if you're looking for someone who needs a relationship, I'm not your guy. I'm not ruling it out if someone who is a spectacular fit for me comes along, but I remain wary.

Why date at all, then? Simply put, I love women. Not just for sex, but for company. I find it much easier to make friends with women than men, and I refuse to be so wary that I deny myself the pleasure of their friendship with or without sex.

Take care, all