Throes of nic-fittery

Yep, I'm trying to quit smoking.

25 years of 2 packs a day, on average, is very difficult to stop.

Why? 1) I can't afford it, money-wise. 2 packs a day is about $250 a month, and with my monetary cushion gone, I can't really do that anymore. 2) Self-image. I badly need to lose weight, just to feel better about myself, and I can't really exercise when I can't FUCKING BREATHE!!

This has been going on for 8 days now, and while I haven't been able to stay completely off the wagon, I haven't had more than 5 in a day. This can be considered progress, but it still royally pisses me off that I haven't the willpower to just say "I no longer smoke".

There's kind of a vicious circle, when you have a low self-image. The circle goes
1) "I really suck."
2) "Maybe I wouldn't suck so much if I lost weight and stopped smoking, so I wouldn't be so hideous looking and smelling."
3) "That's too much effort to throw into someone who sucks so much."
4) "I really suck."

You know what else sucks? Nicotine fits. And pity parties.

Sorry about this pity party.

take care,
Curt